


Go Read a Book or Something

by Midna127



Series: Waifu Wars Cinematic Universe [14]
Category: Persona 3, Persona 4, Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Akechi said gay rights, Based on real people, Character Death, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Crossdressing, Drag Queens, F/M, Fast Food, Fluff and Crack, I wanted to put more Velvet Room attendants in, Other, Pancakes, Road Trips, Survival Horror, drag kings, it's otherwise a Persona fic, like a lot of character death, the Loki thing will make sense later on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:01:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 6,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23822749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midna127/pseuds/Midna127
Summary: Amamiya Ren goes to eat food.Then Goro Akechi ruins everything.Also Haru is there.
Relationships: Akechi Goro & Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro & Okumura Haru, Akechi Goro/Pancakes, Amamiya Ren/Okumura Haru
Series: Waifu Wars Cinematic Universe [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1301696
Comments: 4
Kudos: 8





	1. A Note from the Author

Hey all, Midna here.

Corona virus, right?

Thanks to the increased amount of free time and no access to Instagram or Twitter, I've had more time to use Wattpad and Discord. The latter of the two was where I initially made this story.

Believe it or not, this is based on a pseudo-AU and incorporates parts of my friend's personalities and desires with that of their counterparts.

For clarification, Ren Amamiya is based off of myself, but also some of my headcanons.

Akechi is based off of a real person, and trust me, the death threats are nearly non-existent. He's kek.

Haru is also based off of a real person, who's as sweet as Haru is. He's also kek.

Both of them are fully aware that this exists, because this was literally a visual fanfic presented in a Discord chat, with suggestions taken from the two of them.

I think without this context, there'll be people who will think this book would be making fun of people who crossdress or are part of the LGBT community. Both would make me a hypocrite. I literally cosplayed Ren at the second convention (and hopefully future third) I've been to.

What started as a small inside joke about said convention has now become an actual story, as ironic as it is at some points.

To make things simpler for myself, Ren's pronouns are he/him to keep in line with the canon, and that for the majority of the fic, Ren is crossdressing. Because Ren is me but also me.

Oh, Shadow the Hedgehog, you don't know? There's a new trend going around online called "kinning". My body is reforming to suit your own. Soon I will be 100% Shadow, and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

I don't know if either of my friends who were technically in this fic want to comment anything about themselves, the story, or the characters, but if they do, that's fine by me.

So with that said, please enjoy yet another crack fic.

I write unironic fanfiction, I swear.


	2. Akechi Ruins Everything

Ren walked over to a regional restaurant chain location located in the United States. "Damn, it's been forever since I've been here. I think I got enough to get chicken tenders."

He walked inside of the restaurant. "Ah yes, here I am inside of the restaurant, ready to order chicken tenders and fries."

Then the god of pancakes himself entered the building. "Want some chocolate milk to go alongside it?" Goro Akechi asked Ren.

The ravenette nodded. "Yeah, but how did you know?"

"Because you're epic," Akechi smiled.

"Really?" Ren blushed.

Akechi pulled out a gun. "No, you idiot."

"Do it," Ren countered. "Pull the trigger. End my meaningless life that never has and never will have a break from the misery that makes up my life." Ren cringed at the redundancy.

A hauntingly beautiful man with white hair, yellow eyes, and a waiter's uniform approached the table. "Are you two the ones who ordered the stack of pancakes, chicken tenders, fries, and chocolate milk?"

"Yes..." Akechi replied, reading the waiter's name tag. "Theo."

Theo set the food down. "Enjoy."

Ren and Akechi didn't hesitate to chow down their food.

Akechi observed Ren's choice of food and smirked. "You're seriously eating chicken tenders, fries, and chocolate milk? You're such a child."

Ren glared back. "Okay, Mr. 'I Thought I Heard Something About Delicious Pancakes.'"

"Remember who has the gun in the relationship, Ren."

Ren almost choked on his chocolate milk. "The what?"

"You can't kill me," Akechi told him. "You're the bottom."

"Shit, fam, you right." Ren began nursing at his glass of chocolate milk, since he was feeling thirsty in more ways than one.

Akechi chuckled. "Aw, look at you sipping at your chocolate milk as if it were your last. It may as well be if you keep talking to me like you are right now."

Ren released his lips from the straw. "At least I don't shove my dick in pancakes."

The ace detective leaned in towards Ren and whispered, "At least I have a dick."

"Sir," Theodore's voice came from next to them, "this is a family restaurant."

Akechi gulped. "Sorry, sir, but my rival-"

"Is getting kicked out," Theo pointed at the door. "And so are you."

"WHAT?!" the two screamed. Everyone in the restaurant turned towards them.

Ren hung his head in embarrassment, but not too low.

Goro Akechi, the second coming of the Detective Prince and the god of pancakes, just fucking ruined everything.


	3. Ihop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never been to an Ihop before. I've betrayed the Akechi stans.

Akechi slammed his head onto his car wheel, causing the horn to go off. He didn't show any signs of being in physical pain.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You're the one who's upset?!" Ren, who was sitting in the passenger's seat, yelled. "I just wanted to eat some chicken strips and fries, and now I'm banned from every location of that restaurant!"

He turned to continue yelling, but he was met by Akechi's pistol. "FUCK YOUR CHICKEN STRIPS," he screamed. "I FINALLY GOT YOU CORNERED, AND NOW I CAN FINALLY CARRY OUT WHAT I'VE BEEN MEANING TO DO FOR SO LONG."

"Do it. Pull the trigger."

"W-We're going to Ihop," Akechi explained.

Ren glanced at the gun, and then back at Akechi. "Who brings a gun to an Ihop?"

"Me. Ask another question and I pull the trigger," Akechi threatened.

"I spent all of my money at the restaurant," Ren explained frantically. "And that's not a question, so you can't shoot me."

Akechi furrowed his brow. "Since when did you pay?"

"I threw the money at the ground when we left," he explained, covering up the continuity error. "That also isn't a qu-"

"I'M GOING TO PAY FOR US. NOW SHUT UP."

Ren sniffled. Akechi sighed and put the gun down. "Please, Ren. Be quiet."

"Damn, bruh," Ren muttered, "that shit hurted."

×××××××××××××××××××××

Akechi drove the car into the Ihop parking lot.

Ren stepped out of the car. "Oh my gods. The legends were true. This is the sacred Ihop."

"Legends...?" Akechi asked in disbelief.

The duo walked inside of Ihop, found a booth, and sat down. They were soon greeted by a woman with short white hair and yellow eyes, wearing a waitress's uniform. "Welcome to Ihop, where we do Ihop things. My name is Elizabeth. How can we Ihop you today?"

"Two orders of pancakes, please," Akechi asked.

"Two Ihop orders of Ihop pancakes?" Elizabeth asked. "Okay, then."

Ren, who had never stepped foot in Ihop, tried to pull off cultural appropriation. "Ihop Ihop I-"

"Ren, I swear," Akechi said, pulling out his gun.

"Sir, I'm going to ask you and your bottom friend to leave," Elizabeth stated.

Akechi sighed. "I know, I know," he groaned. "I shouldn't have pulled the gun out."

"Well, that, and because you're both wanted by the government because the rat boy," she explained, pointing at Akechi, "talked about penises and pulled out a gun at a family restaurant."

"You know Ren also talked about penises in a family restaurant, right?" Akechi pointed out.

Elizabeth didn't even crack a smile. "Get out."


	4. Crossdressing

For the second time that day, Akechi slammed his head onto the steering wheel. "I CANNOT BELIEVE THIS!" he screamed. "THE US DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND SERVICES IS BANNING US FROM EVERY RESTAURANT IN THE COUNTRY! NOW WE'LL HAVE TO RESORT TO-"

"Buying food from grocery stores?" Ren suggested, not caring about anything anymore.

"I was going to say resorting to dumpster diving and eating each other out, but that works too," Akechi replied.

Ren wasn't sure what the latter meant. "Wait, as in vore?"

Akechi shook his head. "Never mind, it was a joke."

"Cannibalism is a joke?"

Guess who pulled out a gun?

"You and I are going to have a looooooooooong talk with Mr. Gun."

"New drinking game," Ren said dryly. "Replay the past events, and take a shot every time you pulled out a gun."

Akechi snarled. "Not funny. Didn't laugh." He pulled out a cell phone and dialed a number.

"Thank you for calling Food McFood Place," the voice on the other line said. "How may we help you?"

"Hello, I would like to order food," Akechi answered.

There was a pause. "Your request has been denied."

"...what?"

"We've been trained to recognize the voices of the degenerates who terrorized two restaurants today, by the US Department of Health and Services. Any subsequent calls to here or any other restaurants will be reported to the US Department of Health and Services. That includes this call. Have a good day!" Then the other line went silent.

Akechi hung up and turned to Ren. "You were saying?"

"Well, I'm sorry that the US Government hates us because of something we did."

"Well, Ren," Akechi snapped. "I didn't want it to come down to this, but we're going to do it anyways."

Ren gasped. "I starve to death and you eat my corpse for nourishment."

Akechi gagged. "...Ren, what the shit?"

The bespectacled boy crossed his arms. "Well, what's your idea, then?"

"We dress in drag and go to a fast food restaurant," Akechi replied without hesitation. "Well, I guess in your case, you're not in drag."

"You absolute madman," Ren replied, "I'm in. But how are you going to dress in drag?"

Akechi put the car into reverse. "They never said we couldn't go to costume stores."

×××××××××××××××××××××

"Yes, hello. Whaddya want?" greeted an employee who was behind the counter. She looked like a child, even with her platinum blonde hair put in buns and eye patch. Her nametag read "Caroline".

The female customer with equally platinum blonde hair blushed. "I... uh..." she stammered.

Another female customer put her hand on the other's shoulder reassuringly. "An order of chicken tenders and fries, and an order of pancakes, please," she said.

"Of course," nodded another employee. She resembled the other, but with her hair in a braid, her name being "Justine", and a calm demeanor. "Wait just a moment."

"Thank you," the second girl said. She turned to the first girl and whispered, "it's working."

Justine tilted her head. "Working?"

"Come to think of it, you look rather suspicious," Caroline said. "Especially the blonde in the trench coat. You sound like that famous detective, but in a falsetto."

Akechi gulped.

"See, uh," Ren stammered, "my friend here is transgender. Not Goro Akechi in a falsetto. And her parents aren't accepting her, so we're uh... running away together so she can truly be herself."

"You keep saying 'uh'," Caroline observed.

Akechi put his hand on Ren's shoulder. "My friend here is scared that you'll be just like my parents."

Justine shook her head. "We won't. We trust you," Justine replied. "Here's your food." Two takeout bags of food, one of chicken tenders and the other of pancakes, were on the counter. "Best of luck to you both."

The duo thanked Caroline and Justine and left with the food.

"That was rather wholesome," Akechi told Ren.

"Yeah," Ren nodded. "But I can't wait to get out of this dress."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't do the drinking game, I'm scared you'll die.


	5. Haru

"That was amazing," Akechi grinned as he dug into his pancakes. He was now in his normal clothes. "We should do this more often."

"I hate to sound selfish," Ren replied, "but if it means me having to be overly feminine when I don't want to, then I don't want to do it again."

A noise came from the backseat.

"Ren, did you hear that?" Akechi asked, pancake crumbs covering his face.

The crosssdresser suddenly wanted to be vored by Akechi, like something out of an ironic Wattpad fic.

"Please, don't do it again," a voice urged from the backseat. "Or do. It was pretty entertaining."

"Whomst?" Ren and Akechi asked, turning around.

A girl with a large forehead rose up from the backseat. "Me...st."

"Haru?!" Ren cried.

"EXPLAIN HOW THE HELL YOU GOT INTO MY CAR OR YOU BITE THE BULLET," Akechi screamed pulling out his magnum.

Haru stared at Akechi as if he wasn't threatening to kill her. "How the hell did I find you two crossdressing at a Wendy's?"

"Yeah, Akechi," Ren crossed his arms. "Why are we resorting to crossdressing at a Wendy's?"

"Because Ren's a degenerate," he replied.

Ren sighed. "How can you be so right and yet be so wrong?"

"That doesn't answer my question, but okay," mumbled Haru.

Akechi put the gun down. "The US government is after us because we talked about peepees in a family restaurant."

"AND YOU PULLED OUT A GUN. MULTIPLE TIMES. LIKE A FEW SECONDS AGO," Ren pointed out.

Yet again, Goro Akechi aimed at Ren. "Shut."

"Oh... I get it," Haru said. "I can help you guys, y'know."

"Wait, seriously?" Ren asked. "How?"

Haru shot Ren a look of confusion. "...Okumura Foods? The company that I have inherited?"

"Yeah, Ren, you fucking idiot," Akechi said.

"And I'll help you guys take on the government, if need be."

Goro Akechi and Ren Amamiya stared at Haru Okumura in shock.

"Huh?"

"You heard me," Haru smirked. "We're going to topple the US government."

Ren didn't know how to respond. "Ok, but can we-" he began before noticing the takeout bag next to him was gone. "Where's our food?!"

Akechi coughed. "Oh, I ate yours when you weren't looking."

The crossdresser buckled up. "Let's go fight the government."

"Epic," Haru grinned.

"But can I actually eat first?" Ren asked, glaring at Akechi.

Then Akechi chuckled. "I can regurgitate the food for you."

"I'm so desperate for food at this point," Ren groaned.

"I-" Akechi went pale. "Excuse me?!"

Haru sighed. "You guys are fucking disgusting."

"Ok, Haru and unnamed degenerate," Akechi said, starting the engine. "Where to?"

"Okumura Foods HQ," Haru answered. "And be as quick as legally possible."

The ace detective tapped his chin. "Fast enough so I can throw the unnamed degenerate out of the window, run them over multiple times, and speed away before the cops find me?"

"I-" Ren began.

"THE ONLY THING YOU'RE GOING TO EAT IS MY BULLET," Akechi snapped.

Haru screamed, causing the other two to jolt. "ENOUGH! BOTH OF YOU! JUST DRIVE!"

"Y-Yes, Ms. Okumura," Akechi nodded. As he pulled out of the Wendy's parking lot, he turned to face Ren. "You... you weren't serious about me regurgitating, were you?"

"Ask me again in a few minutes, and I'll give you an answer," Ren responded, staring out of the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you ask, yes there's an ironic Akeshu/Shuake Wattpad fic where Akechi vores Ren.


	6. Okumura Foods HQ

After a few hours of driving, the group arrived at a large building.

"Here we are!" Haru exclaimed, running out of the car while it was still in motion.

Akechi immediately parked the car and followed her, alongside Ren.

The interior of the building was professional, fancy, and business-like. Which makes sense, because it's a business.

"Please, help yourselves to as much food as you like," Haru offered.

Ren noticed a large chicken tenders and fries bar. "Can I cry now?" he asked, before running directly towards the bar.

"Well, uh, speaking of doing things, have a look around too, while you're at it. I have to use the restroom," Haru told them. "I'll be right back." She turned a corner and disappeared from their sights.

"You can have some of my food, Akechi," Ren offered. "I'm in chicken-tenders-and-fries heaven."

Akechi shook his head no. "I'll pass. I have to use the restroom as well, actually."

The ravenette shrugged and continued to eat his chicken tenders and fries.

×××××××××××××××××××××

Goro Akechi entered the men's restroom. "Doodly doo, singin' the song that men sing in the men's room," he sang. "Deedly dee, gonna do things that men do in the m-" he stopped singing when he noticed a familiar face standing in front of one of the urinals.

Haru.

"...what?" she asked.

"You're a futa?" Akechi asked.

She shook her head. "A crossdresser."

Akechi nodded. "So. Here we are," he said awkwardly. "Two dudes in a bathroom doing things that dudes in a bathroom do."

"Yeah, shut the fuck up, Akechi."

"I won't tell anyone, Haru," Akechi assured. "Everyone's got secrets that they wish to keep."

Haru nodded. "That's true. My father didn't care much about me to begin with, but he especially hated that I do this. Sometimes I want to shake the hand of whoever murdered him, but other times, I want to kill his murderer."

"Secret for a secret, then?" Akechi asked.

It took a moment for Haru to realize what Akechi meant. "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!"

×××××××××××××××××××××

Ren gently patted his stomach. "I can't believe I vored all of the food."

One of the employees noticed this and grew angry. "I'm calling the police," he said.

"If you do," Ren said, "I swear to-"

The employee was already on the phone. "911."

"Oh okay."

Just then, Haru and Akechi walked back into the lobby. "Why is Jorge on the phone?" Haru asked.

"I don't know either. He's just calling the police," Ren explained.

"What?!" Haru asked. She turned to the employee. "Excuse me, Jorge? What's happening?"

Jorge gestured towards Ren. "Your friend here ate all of the fucking food, so I called the police."

"Well, you didn't know this, but we're on the run by the US government. Of course Ren would-" she realized what she said. "Fuck."

Sirens blared in the background. "Woop, woop, that's the sound of the police," Jorge replied.

"WHAT THE SHIT, JORGE?!" Haru screamed.

"You're right, Haru," Akechi nodded. "Ren WOULD fuck."

Ren rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Akechi. At least I... uh... fuck, I already used the pancake insult."

Akechi grabbed Ren's and Haru's hands, quickly led them out of the building and into his car.

"COME ON, JUST DRIVE!" Haru screamed.

"I'M NOT PULLING OUT OF HERE UNTIL YOU BUCKLE UP!" he screamed back.

Haru and Ren obeyed, and Akechi quickly drove away, somehow outrunning the cops.


	7. Alone in the World

Goro Akechi looked at the car's side mirrors. "It looks as though they're gone."

"Guys... I'm sorry about that," Haru apologized.

"Hmm," Akechi pondered. "Perhaps we'll have to resort to c-"

A soft sound came from the passenger's seat.

"Huh?" Haru asked.

"I SAID THAT I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE!" Ren screamed.

Akechi immediately pulled the car over. "And what do you mean by that?!"

"Ren, it's okay!" Haru told him. "We'll just crossdress, like Akechi was going to say, and-"

"Well, I was going to say 'cannibalism' , but since both words start with 'c', that makes sense as well," Akechi interrupted.

Haru wasn't sure how to respond, so she turned back to Ren. "See, Ren? We just have to-"

"All I wanted was some damn chicken tenders," Ren muttered.

"Ren..." Haru sighed, reaching out to pat his shoulder reassuringly a la Elastagirl.

Ren stamped his foot. "UNTIL AKECHI CAME IN AND TORMENTED ME." The ravenette swiftly turned to the driver. "IF YOU REALLY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR TIME, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SPEND IT WITH YOUR LOVED ONES?!"

"...if I would, I could," Akechi mumbled. "But I can't."

"Sure you can, Akechi," Haru replied, unsure of whether or not she was helping. "We won't stop you."

Akechi turned off the engine. "No, I mean... I don't have any friends."

"What, are you socially awkward?" Ren asked, hoping to find someone who was like him.

Goro Akechi shrugged. "Not entirely."

"No person good enough for you?" Haru asked.

"Uhhhhh," Akechi replied.

Ren furrowed his brows. "What, you're all alone in this big empty world?!"

Silence.

"Oh," Haru said quietly.

"...truth is," Ren mumbled, "I'm all alone too."

Goro Akechi kept his gaze towards the ground. Even when Ren placed his hand on Akechi's shoulder.

"Akechi?" Ren looked back. "Haru? You're not the only friends I have, but you're definitely among the closest."

This surprised Akechi. "Y-You mean...?!" he asked, turning to face Ren.

"Yeah, Akechi," Ren grinned. "And friends stick together 'til the end."

"Aww!" Haru exclaimed. "I love you both!"

Akechi started the car up. "Thank you. Both of you."

"No problem," Ren said. "Oh, can I sit in the back with Haru?"

"Ye," Akechi said.

Ren unbuckled his seatbelt and crawled into the back seat with Haru. "Ye," Ren and Haru said.

"Honestly, being with any of my friends has been a light in an otherwise dark light," Ren said.

"Your life isn't entirely awful, Ren," Haru said. "Surely there's something besides your friends."

Ren shrugged. "I guess. But now one of my many problems is that my friend group, the Phantom Thieves, haven't been talking to me at all during the past month. They don't talk to me online or through text."

"That's strange," Haru stated. "And you haven't seen them at all?"

"No, they've been avoiding me like the plague," Ren told her. "It's like I'm dead to them."

Goro Akechi pulled the car back onto the road, and continued to drive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously hope someone gets what movie the first half of this chapter is referencing.


	8. Feasting

"I guess all we can do for now is continue driving to the headquarters of the US Department of Health and Services," Akechi told Ren and Haru.

Ren nodded. "Aight."

"Can we listen to the radio?" Haru asked Akechi.

"Uhh..." he said, turning on the radio.

After a bit of fiddling, Akechi was able to find a station that worked.

"The culprits, Goro Akechi and Ren Amamiya, were last seen at Okumura Foods Headquarters by an Okumura Foods employee," said a radio host. "It is unknown whether the heiress, Haru Okumura, is-"

Akechi turned off the radio. "No."

×××××××××××××××××××××

A few hours passed as the group drove in silence, until it was broken by the sound of growling.

"Oh, sorry," Ren said. "I'm hungry again."

"Really?" Haru asked in disbelief. "After gorging on all of those chicken tenders and fries?"

Ren nodded. "One time I ate two entire extra large popcorn containers at Cinemark, went home, and ate a large dinner. So yes, I am."

"Damn, Ren," Akechi responded, pulling into a restaurant parking lot. "Guess this means we have to deal with the weave, if you catch my drift."

This caused Ren to start feral hissing.

Haru watched with concern. "Uh, how about I go in for you guys? What do you want to eat?"

"Are you sure, Haru?" asked Akechi. "After what was heard on the radio?"

"It's okay." Haru unbuckled her seatbelt. "I have a plan."

×××××××××××××××××××××

Haru approached the counter, where an elegant lady was standing. The lady gasped. "Miss Haru Okumura?" she asked. "What are you doing here? Last I heard, you were-"

"Yes, well, I'm okay now, miss..." Haru looked for a name tag, but she had none.

"Margaret. I'm the manager."

She nodded. "Miss Margaret. They spared me. So I need to stress eat."

"Stress eat? Miss Okumura, the amount of calories you could consume-"

"Let me do it or I'll forcibly close down this restaurant. I know Okumura Foods owns this one."

If she were able to, Margaret would have gone pale. But since that was her natural color, she didn't.

"I- oh dear. Take as much food as you want. Free of charge," Margaret insisted.

"Hmm," Haru said. "Well, in that case..."

×××××××××××××××××××××

Meanwhile, Ren and Akechi were sitting in the car, waiting for Haru to return.

"...so you said your friends aren't responding to your texts?" Akechi asked.

Ren nodded. "Yeah, and it sucks."

"Hm. Maybe you'll see them again soon. In the meantime, you have Haru and myself to keep you company."

"Right," Ren agreed. "Friends stick together 'til the end."

×××××××××××××××××××××

"Okay, thank you for helping me," Haru grinned as she struggled to carry all of the food she had taken. "I promise, I won't shut this location down because of your efforts."

Margaret tried not to gawk at the amount of food the crossdresser had taken. "Thank you, Miss Okumura. I hope you find a therapist."

"Don't we all?" Haru replied.

×××××××××××××××××××××

"Aight, people," Haru said. "I got the food."

She placed the heap of food onto the backseat, to which Akechi didn't complain about.

"I'm gonna cry," Ren said.

Akechi turned around to face Ren. "Please don't."


	9. That Escalated Quickly

More hours of eating and driving passed, and night fell.

"Oh, I forgot to say this earlier," Ren said. "Thanks for everything you did today, Haru."

Haru snored back.

"I'd thank her too," Akechi explained, "but she's asleep. Anyways, I'll get us some gas." He pulled into a nearly barren gas station. "Don't do anything stupid." Goro Akechi stepped out of the car and entered the building.

Ren looked around to make sure Akechi wasn't watching him. "Wait, what if Akechi has food somewhere in the car?" he asked himself. Ren climbed out of the backseat and the car. "I don't care if we just feasted, I just want to see if he's lying or not."

He lifted the trunk of the car and looked around. "Huh. No food, but a bunch of guns, ammo, clothes, and a note," Ren observed. He picked up the note and read it quietly. "'Ren Amamiya. Alive. Ryuji Sakamoto... terminated'?"

His body froze. "What?" Hoping to find an explanation, he continued to read. "'Morgana. Terminated.' Well, I guess that explains why he suddenly ran away from home. 'Ann Takamaki. Terminated. Yusuke Kitagawa. Terminated. Makoto Niijima. Terminated. Futaba Sakura. Terminated. Haru Okumura... Alive.'"

Ren's eyes began to well up with tears. "Th... this is a hit list. No wonder my friends haven't been responding to my texts. They can't because they're dead. And... there's guns in the car. Haru and I are the only ones left. Akechi said I might see my friends again s-"

"Ah. You did something stupid," said Akechi, who was directly behind Ren. "How is it that I'm surprised by that?"

The crossdresser jolted. "O-Ok, as much as I joke about wanting you to kill me, I-I don't actually want to die! Why did you kill my friends?!"

"Define 'them'," said Akechi. "It could be referring to your friends, someone's preferred pronouns, or the multitude of lives I have taken before your friends'."

"Oh hey, you respect pronouns?" Ren asked, putting the note down. "That... that's really nice, actually."

Akechi nodded. "I know, right? I wish everyone was like that."

"Yeah, I- WAIT, MULTITUDE OF LIVES?!"

Goro Akechi motioned for Ren to stop talking. "Ssh. You wouldn't want to awaken your girlfriend, wouldn't you?"

"Girlfriend?" Ren asked.

"Oh please," Akechi rolled his eyes. "I've seen the way you two interact. So I'll be generous and let you spend one final night on Earth with Haru. After all," he paused for a chuckle. "Friends stick together 'til the end. The tragic, horrific end."

Ren was horrified. "I- Akechi, we drank chocolate milk together! How could you do this?!"

"How could I not?" he replied. "Oh, and one more thing. Murmur so much as a word from this conversation, and I won't even give you two the luxury of one more night."

The ravenette looked at the ground, not caring that said raven hair had just fallen, alongside his tears.

"Normally, I'd wish you a good night. But considering you knowingly have a much longer sleep ahead... wait, having more energy would make the slaughter more interesting." Akechi tilted Ren's head back up to face him. "Do as you wish, then. But leave now, and I'll make sure Haru's body is unidentifiable."

Ren didn't say anything. He simply picked up his wig, readjusted it, and walked back into the car, sniffling.

He tried to get comfortable in his seat, but couldn't.

"Ren?" Haru asked, waking up. "Are you okay? Were you thinking about the state of the Punch-Out!! franchise again?"

There was a beat of silence. "Well, now it's that, and... something else."

"Aw, what's wrong?"

"Well, uh," he stammered. He wasn't sure how to word things without Akechi killing them on the spot. "I just miss my friends, and being able to eat normally again. No offense to you or Akechi."

Haru hugged Ren. "Hey, at least you're with two of your friends now, right?"

Ren nodded. "Yeah. Haru?"

"Yes?"

"I love you so much," Ren told her. "I don't ever want to lose you."

She giggled. "Don't worry, you won't. It's not like we're going to die tomorrow or anything."

Ren opened his eyes and saw Akechi glaring at him. He flinched and hugged Haru tighter. Satisfied, Akechi started the car and continued driving.


	10. Let's Hit the Climax

Ren and Haru were unsure of how long it took for them to get there, or if Akechi even got an ounce of sleep. But when the two woke up, they were pulling into the headquarters of the US Department of Health and Services.

"Good morning, you two!" Akechi sing-songed. "We're here!"

"Whoah, really?!" Haru grinned. "This is amazing! We're finally going to topple the US government!"

Ren didn't meet Akechi's gaze. He knew how this day was going to end.

And Akechi refused to look away from Ren, which caused a big problem.

"Uh, Akechi?" Haru asked. "You're gonna drive through the-"

The car burst through the wall of the building. "Gonna drive through the what, Haru?" Akechi asked, before looking around. "Oh yes. The building."

"Is he okay?" Haru whispered to Ren.

Ren shook his head no.

"Well, it's too late to back out now," Haru said. "Let's do this."

The trio stepped out of the car.

"Right," Akechi nodded. "Time to-"

"Hey! There's Akechi!" a guard yelled. "Get him!" He ran over to Akechi, grabbed him by the collar, and pulled him into another room and out of sight. Akechi was screaming ferally.

Haru gasped. "Oh no! They took Akechi!"

"What if they come for us?" Ren asked.

Two more guards seized Ren and Haru. "Yep," the guards said.

Ren and Haru screamed.

×××××××××××××××××××××

The two were brought before a bald man, who had his back turned to them.

"Sir," said one of the guards, "we've captured intruders."

Ren looked at one of the guards. "Who is he?"

"The CEO of this department," the bald man answered, turning around.

The duo gasped. "David Vincent?" Ren asked.

"No, I think that's Pitbull," Haru suggested.

"It took Akechi this long to track down these two?" the man scoffed.

Haru's jaw dropped. "I KNOW AKECHI'S A CELEBRITY, BUT HE'S FRIENDS WITH PITBULL?!"

"My name is Masayoshi Shido," said Shido. "You really don't understand what's happening, do you?"

"Well, now I understand," Ren said. "And I wish I didn't. Especially since it's with you and Akechi."

Haru raised her brows. "Wait, what? Ren, w-what's going on?"

"Oh, good. This means you've kept your promise, Ren," came a familiar, disembodied voice. "Good."

The pancake god himself.

Except the person who entered the room didn't remotely resemble him at first.

"Akechi? Is... is that you?!" Haru asked in bewilderment.

And she had every right to. It was definitely Akechi. But it was on the body of Loki, a character from Fire Emblem Heroes. I tried looking her up to describe her outfit, but minutes passed, and I can definitely describe her, all right.

"In the flesh," Akechi replied.

Ren's jaw dropped. "Th... the chest... how...?"

"How is right!" Haru agreed. "We were in the men's room together, Akechi!"

"Wait, what the hell were you two doing in the men's room?" Ren asked, genuinely confused.

The Akechi-Loki hybrid and Haru exchanged glances. "Peeing," they said in unison.

"HARU'S A CROSSDRESSER TOO?!" Ren asked.

"REN'S A GIRL?!" Haru asked.

Lokechi raised his eyebrows. "You two seriously didn't know you were crossdressers? H...How did you two not realize that?"

"Okay, since we're asking questions," Ren interjected. "Why the hell are you trying to kill us? Why did you kill my friends?! And HOW do you have..." he gestured towards Lokechi's chest, "THOSE?!"

"Well, I've hidden them on a much greater effort than you hide yours, Ren. Except I actually want to show these off. But, because of my status, if I showed off my birth defect, I'd be canceled faster than James Charles was. Except he bounced back, so I guess that makes the comparison faulty. Regardless, I can't risk it."

Haru tilted her head in confusion. "So... you murdered everyone because... tiddies?"

"Most of the murders were done for Shido. However, he let me do some of my own as a reward."

"But people would have known about the murders," Ren pointed out. "You can't cover something up that easily."

Lokechi chuckled. "If tits like these can be covered, anything can. Besides, I know that you and your little friends would have tried to stop me. Putting your guard down, Ren, was much easier than putting them down."

"Akechi," Shido interjected. "Less monologuing, more killing."

"Very well, then." He picked up a magnum. "I hope you two enjoyed your last day on Earth. As fun as it was to make you two suffer, it had to end eventually."

Ren smirked at Akechi. "Yeah, but you almost starved to death too."

Akechi cackled. "That time I went to get gas? I was eating a bag of chips I stuffed between my breasts. The car's gas tank was nearly full, but my stomach was not."

The ravenette rose his finger to say something, but then put it down.

"Wait, Akechi!" Haru cried. "Can I say something before you kill us both?"

He sighed. "Very well. Get it over with."

"We don't blame you at all for having this mindset. At least, I don't. The need to hide your body. The desire to please some and kill others. Ren and I love you, tits and all. My life has been nothing but mistreatment, living in the shadows, and neglect. But I've been able to find a way to make things better. And I want to do the same for you," she said.

Lokechi lowered the gun. "Haru..."

"Yo, Akechi," Ren said. "We love you."

There was a beat of silence.

"Are we gonna kill some queers or nah?" Shido asked.

Akechi raised his gun and aimed at Shido. "Nah."

He pulled the trigger. Several times.

The guards screamed in horror.

"Now," Akechi said, reloading the gun. "Any of you employees ready to bite the bullet as well, or are you going to let my friends eat food again?"

"W-We'll change it," said the guards in unison.

The trio grinned. "Yeet."


	11. Epilogue

Somehow, Akechi's car was able to start up and function.

"Well," Akechi said, still dressed in his Loki outfit. "Let's go home and forget everything that just happened."

Ren was sitting again in the passenger's seat. "...thanks, Akechi."

"Truthfully, there's times I wish to be as kind as I am in public. Perhaps then people would genuinely enjoy me for me," he said. "I guess you could say that said kindness is a persona, and that my desire to change is a dream, though. But I love you both, and I wish I were truly able to make up for what I've done to you two."

Ren and Haru pondered for a moment.

"Fuck it," said Ren, "we're crashing at your place."

"I-" Akechi replied. "How does that make any sense at all?"

Haru giggled. "How about we go out to eat instead? We can talk about what we can do while we're eating."

Akechi and Ren nodded.

"I'll pay then," Akechi said. "It's only fair."

"Are you gonna cover those up?" Ren asked, looking at Akechi's chest.

Goro Akechi gestured at his Loki outfit. "Well, if I wear this, I'll likely be charged for public indecency."

Ren immediately got out of the car, opened the car trunk, and pulled out the shirt and pants Akechi wore during when they went to Wendy's. "What about this?"

Akechi turned the car off and got out of it. "Thank you. I'll get changed in the headquarters bathroom."

"Oh shoot, I have to use the bathroom too," Ren said, closing the car trunk.

With that, the two entered the building.

Haru squirmed uncomfortably in the car. "I'm going to die from heat stroke in here, aren't I?" she asked.

×××××××××××××××××××××

At last, the beaten up car pulled up at a place chosen by the trio: an Ihop.

"We're here!" Haru exclaimed, practically jumping out of the car.

Ren turned to Akechi, who was turning off the car engine. "You ready?"

Akechi nodded. "Tits and all."

Ren, Akechi, and Haru walked over to a restaurant chain location located in the United States.


End file.
